A few months back, I had a realization: I’ve never truly allowed myself to grieve. This may sound surprising, considering I hosted a podcast about grief called “All There Is.” But going through the motions of loss and actually embracing grief are two completely different things.
After the first season of the podcast ended, I took a break from going through the boxes of my dad’s, brother’s, and mom’s belongings. It was just too difficult. The final episode featured voicemails from listeners sharing their wisdom on grief. However, out of the thousands of calls received, I only had the chance to listen to about 200. I felt a pang of guilt for not being able to hear them all.
Although I didn’t have plans for a second season of the podcast, a few months ago, I sat down and listened to all the unheard messages. Over 46 hours of pain, bravery, and love poured out. It turned out to be one of the most profound experiences of my life.
I can’t quite put it into words, but hearing those calls awakened something deep within me. Something that I had long buried. I made the decision to revisit the boxes of my loved ones’ belongings. As I opened the first box, I found a collection of papers belonging to my father, who was a writer. On top of the pile, I discovered an essay he had written over 40 years ago. It was titled “The Importance of Grieving.” Reading it was an eye-opener.
In his essay, my father wrote about the consequences children face when they are unable to properly grieve. He quoted a psychologist who said, “when a person is unable to complete a mourning task in childhood, he either has to surrender his emotions in order that they do not suddenly overwhelm him, or else he may be haunted constantly throughout his life, with a sadness for which he can never find an appropriate explanation.”
Those words struck a chord within me. They resonated deeply. When my dad passed away in 1978, I turned inward and buried my fear, sadness, and anger. I hardly shed a tear. A decade later, when my brother Carter died by suicide, I pushed those feelings even further down. I believed that I could bury all that grief forever. Little did I know, grief doesn’t work that way. As one podcast listener wisely said, “It has to go somewhere.”
Now, I understand that in burying my grief, I also buried my capacity to feel pure joy. I refuse to continue down this path. I want to experience life fully, embracing all the emotions it presents.
That’s precisely why I’m embarking on another season of the podcast, “All There Is.” I want to connect with others who have found ways to live with their grief and learn from their experiences. Together, we can uncover the depth of human resilience and the power of healing.
The new season of “All There Is” is available now wherever you listen to your podcasts.
If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts or mental health matters, please call the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988 to connect with a trained counselor, or visit the 988 Lifeline website.
