A man and his wife are out driving, and get pulled over by a police officer. The husband, who is the one behind the wheel, asks, “What’s the problem, officer?” Officer: “You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.”

Man: “No sir, I was going 65.” Wife: “Oh, Harry. You were going 80.” (The man gives his wife a dirty look. Officer: “I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: “Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!”

Wife: “Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks.” (The man gives his wife another dirty look.) Officer: “I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.” Man: “Oh, this? I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.”

Wife: “Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.” The man turns to his wife and yells, “Shut your mouth!” The officer turns to the woman and asks, “Ma’am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?” Wife: “No, only when he’s drunk.”

Two Boys Filled Up A Bucketful Of Nuts

On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. “One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,” said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle.

As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me ….” He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend, he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. “Come here quick,” said the boy,
“you won’t believe what I heard! The Devil and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!”
The man said,

“Beat it, kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.” When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard,
“One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”
The old man whispered,

“Boy, you’ve been tellin’ me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord…?”
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.
The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.

At last, they heard,
“One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done.”
The old man beat the boy to the gate.

Little Johnny Was In Class – Joke

Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better and to help with their spelling. She explained: “I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today.” The first student raised her hand to volunteer.

Marcy,” the teacher said. “You may go first.” Marcy replied: “My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny.” The teacher said: “Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?” Kevin stood up and announced: “My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie.”

“Very good,” the teacher told Kevin. Jeff was next, and he said: My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no…” Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.

Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next. Johnny said: “My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell “accountant.”